By: Ari Weisbard
A year ago, I lost my father. He was aging and disabled, and for a long time, I had to step in and help manage his affairs. It wasn’t easy, and there were moments when I felt overwhelmed by the responsibility. But I also learned a lot along the way—lessons I hope will help others in a similar position.
If you’re now in a place where you need to help manage your parent’s affairs, know that you’re not alone. Here’s some advice from my experience that might make the journey less stressful.
1. Start Early with Open Conversations
One thing I wish I had done sooner was to talk to my father more about his plans before his health began to decline. These conversations can be uncomfortable, but they’re essential. We discussed his wishes for healthcare, his finances, and even end-of-life decisions, but starting those conversations – or pushing them to the point of actual decisions and signed paperwork – earlier would have saved us both some stress. If you’re unsure how to approach it, AARP offers helpful advice on starting these conversations.
2. Organize Important Documents
When my dad’s health worsened, one of the most stressful moments was scrambling to find his essential documents. Wills, insurance policies, and healthcare directives were scattered, and pulling it all together under pressure wasn’t easy. Take it from me—helping your parents organize these documents early can make a world of difference. The National Institute on Aging has a great checklist of documents to gather.
A few ideas for keeping things organized are:
- Keep it all in one place. Once you locate all of the necessary paper documents that comprise your parents’ estate plan, choose a central location for them. This could be a folder, binder, etc.
- Store it safely. Under lock and key in a filing cabinet, or tucked away in a fireproof safe are both good options – as long as you know where the keys are!
- Go digital. The likelihood of misplacing key documents is high – especially if parents are downsizing or moving to assisted living as they age. Consider scanning critical documents or keeping digital copies in a shared Dropbox or Drive folder. This also makes it possible to limit who has access to these files.
- Know who to speak with. Wind up misplacing a document, or need to know where something is? Know who to talk to! Whether it’s your parent’s financial planner, estate planning attorney, or another service provider, it’s important that you develop relationships with these people so you can get quick help when needed. You might make a spreadsheet with key contacts, their names, roles, and contact information.
3. Understand Legal and Financial Options
As my father’s capability declined, he needed more support in managing his legal and financial affairs and eventually needed me to manage them entirely. To do that properly, I needed to become his agent via a durable power of attorney document.. This legal tool allowed me to make decisions on his behalf, which was necessary as his health declined, but the process of getting everything in place was complicated.
I’d recommend speaking to an elder law attorney early on—someone who can help guide you through what might become a complicated web, especially if you might need to officially be appointed guardian at some point. Just knowing the steps in advance and what to look for can be helpful. Proactively organizing any type of notarized documents you may need can save you headaches down the road.
Not sure where to get started? The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys can help you find a qualified attorney.
4. Assess Their Living Arrangements
My father was adamant about staying in his home, but it became clear that the apartment wasn’t suited for his changing needs. While we modified his space to work for him and got him some part-time help it wasn’t enough. Increasing the paid help sooner and moving him to a care facility before when he still had some mobility would have been worth it. Often, hindsight is 20/20 in situations like these. However, you and your parents can proactively plan for decisions like these.
Consider whether your parent’s home is still the best place for them, and start having open conversations about alternate options if their living space eventually isn’t suited to their unique needs.
All too often, there’s a misconception that moving out of your home as you age means you’re going to live somewhere dreary and terrible – and that just isn’t the case! There are many types of assisted living facilities or places offering a “continuum of care” from independent to assisted, all with different specializations. Be open to all of the different options, and even consider touring a few places in your area with your parent(s) before they need to move. It takes some of the pressure off when you don’t need to decide right away. The logistics of those visits will be easier to manage and the quality of the experience will be higher when your parents have greater mobility, hearing, vision, and acuity of thought.
5. Coordinate Healthcare Needs
One of the biggest challenges I faced was managing my dad’s healthcare. Keeping track of medications, appointments, and his medical history became a significant job – in addition to a work and home life I was already balancing.
I recommend creating a detailed healthcare plan as early as possible. This ensures nothing falls through the cracks, especially if your parents are juggling multiple doctors or specialists. It’s also important to discuss what care your parent wants and doesn’t want. Those preferences should be documented via a healthcare directive—something I was grateful we had in place for my father. Learn more about healthcare/advance directives through the American Bar Association or draft your own via AARP’s Five Wishes.
6. Plan for Unexpected Expenses
One lesson I learned was how easily unanticipated costs can pile up when caring for an aging parent. Whether it’s medical bills, home modifications, or hiring additional help, these expenses can catch you off guard. Planning ahead by building an emergency fund or exploring long-term care insurance options can alleviate some financial stress down the road. It’s also helpful to review your parents’ insurance coverage, including Medicare, to understand what’s covered and what isn’t.
7. Build a Support Network
I was lucky to have family members and close friends who helped me with my father’s care, but even so, it was a heavy burden to carry. Building a strong support network is crucial, so that all the work doesn’t fall just on you and also so you have folks to turn to for emotional support.
Remember: you don’t have to do everything on your own, and seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness.
Local caregiver support groups, like those offered by the Family Caregiver Alliance, can be a lifeline. You can find more information on their services here. We also had an excellent local care coordinator who we paid to help us manage all the logistics.
8. Prioritize Self-Care
One thing I learned the hard way was how easy it is to neglect yourself while caring for a parent. Sometimes, I felt overwhelmed and burned out, and I wasn’t always taking the best care of my health.
If you’re in this situation, please remember to take breaks, ask for help, and make time for activities that allow you to recharge. Sometimes, making sure you’re just checking the “basics” off of the list can make a huge difference in how you feel:
- Have you eaten enough today? Was the food you’re eating healthy and fueling you well?
- Are you hydrated?
- Are you getting enough sleep?
- Have you gotten outside today?
- Have you moved today in a way that brings you joy?
- Do you need to take a break to care for you – a shower, a haircut, a massage, etc.?
- Are there appointments you need to make to care for your own health (doctor, dentist, etc.) that you have put on the back burner?
It may seem like a reach,
but it’s surprising how quickly your wellness foundation can backslide when you’re caring for someone else.
For advice on managing caregiver stress, the Mayo Clinic offers some valuable resources.
9. Stay Informed About Resources and Benefits
One thing I wasn’t fully aware of until later in my father’s illness was the number of benefits available to help. From Medicare to veterans’ benefits, many resources can provide financial and practical support. The National Council on Aging has a comprehensive guide that might be useful as you navigate this process.
10. Practice Patience and Compassion
Managing my father’s affairs was one of the most emotionally challenging experiences of my life. There were moments when I felt intense frustration and exhaustion.What helped me most was practicing patience—both with my father and with myself. This is a difficult transition for your parents, and they may struggle with the loss of independence. Compassion, patience, and empathy can make the journey a little smoother.
As I reflect on this past year without my father, I’m reminded of how important it is to be prepared and to have support. If you’re stepping into this role for your own parents, I hope these lessons from my experience will help make it a little easier.
Always consult a financial, tax, or legal professional familiar with your unique circumstances before making any financial decisions. This material is intended for educational purposes only. Nothing in this material constitutes a solicitation for the sale or purchase of any securities. Any rates of return are historical or hypothetical in nature and are not a guarantee of future returns, which may be lower or higher. Investments involve risk. Investment values will fluctuate with market conditions and security positions, when sold, may be worth less or more than their original cost.